Life Updates

There hasn't been much going on lately excep I am man-free and enjoying it. I don't have to worry about pissing someone off or being pissed off, I only have to worry about myself and it actually makes life much easier. What makes it nicer is that I don't have to worry about coming home to a messy house...it is always just as I left it. I have found that I am more lax about house chores lately and I will get to them when I feel like it.

My father had surgery on his hand to remove a cyst from his ring finger tendon a few weeks ago and he just got out of the hospital from battling a horrible infection. He is much happier now that he's home and he's even kidnapping the dogs for a few days so they can "hang". :)

I have had a break from school for the last few weeks and that has been very nice. I am actually looking forward to my next round of classes although I know I will procrastinate the homework like I always do.

Jen, Dean, and I paid our first half deposit on our 2010 trip to Fiji this past weekend, I am getting SO excited.

Just a few little updates for now...

This Roller Coaster Life of Mine

How come my life ran so smoothly for so many years and then all of a sudden my stable rug was yanked out from underneath me? And then why, after beginning my own, new journey and starting to come to terms with myself and my situation, does my world have to be rocked upside down again?

Is this is what people mean by life being like a roller coaster?

All I want from life is a simple, exciting, loving, stable life. I don't want drama, I don't want pain, I don't want insecurity, and I don't want indecisiveness.

I thought I had a pretty solid, stable set of values and morals, I still think they are fairly decent although they could probably be firmed up a bit...

Love n stuff

Why is it that I can't seem to take relationships slowly?
Why is it that I always jump in feet first and let myself become completely involved?
I hardly know this man but I'm totally infatuated with him already.
Why?

Maybe I don't know what love is because I surely can't be in love already...yet it feels so encompassing and comfortable. Despite the unknowns...

I'm Still Breathing

Living life day by day
Getting stronger
Getting healthier
Finding myself

Feel-Better Sayings

I have gathered these from one of my Flickr contacts...I love them although I am not sure who really said them as she doesn't cite her sources.

"Tell me the color of your sky up above.
Paint me a picture of the things that make you smile.
Show me your fears and what you're dreaming of."

"We have both lost ourselves, but sometimes we reveal the most when we are least like ourselves."

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

"Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are is to get to that place where you don't have to be anything else."

Books To Read

Books I am adding to my Amazon "Must Read" wish list. I have been able to cross off a few books and there are another handful that I have read in the past but feel I should read again so I didn't cross them off.

1. ATLAS SHRUGGED by Ayn Rand
2. THE FOUNTAINHEAD by Ayn Rand
3. BATTLEFIELD EARTH by L. Ron Hubbard
4. THE LORD OF THE RINGS by J.R.R. Tolkien
5. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD by Harper Lee
6. 1984 by George Orwell
7. ANTHEM by Ayn Rand
8. WE THE LIVING by Ayn Rand
9. MISSION EARTH by L. Ron Hubbard
10. FEAR by L. Ron Hubbard
11. ULYSSES by James Joyce
12. CATCH-22 by Joseph Heller
13. THE GREAT GATSBY by F. Scott Fitzgerald
14. DUNE by Frank Herbert
15. THE MOON IS A HARSH MISTRESS by Robert Heinlein
16. STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND by Robert Heinlein
17. A TOWN LIKE ALICE by Nevil Shute
18. BRAVE NEW WORLD by Aldous Huxley
19. THE CATCHER IN THE RYE by J.D. Salinger
20. ANIMAL FARM by George Orwell
21. GRAVITY'S RAINBOW by Thomas Pynchon
22. THE GRAPES OF WRATH by John Steinbeck
23. SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE by Kurt Vonnegut
24. GONE WITH THE WIND by Margaret Mitchell
25. LORD OF THE FLIES by William Golding
26. SHANE by Jack Schaefer
27. TRUSTEE FROM THE TOOLROOM by Nevil Shute
28. A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY by John Irving
29. THE STAND by Stephen King
30. THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN by John Fowles
31. BELOVED by Toni Morrison
32. THE WORM OUROBOROS by E.R. Eddison
33. THE SOUND AND THE FURY by William Faulkner
34. LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov
35. MOONHEART by Charles de Lint
36. ABSALOM, ABSALOM! by William Faulkner
37. OF HUMAN BONDAGE by W. Somerset Maugham
38. WISE BLOOD by Flannery O'Connor
39. UNDER THE VOLCANO by Malcolm Lowry
40. FIFTH BUSINESS by Robertson Davies
41. SOMEPLACE TO BE FLYING by Charles de Lint
42. ON THE ROAD by Jack Kerouac
43. HEART OF DARKNESS by Joseph Conrad
44. YARROW by Charles de Lint
45. AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS by H.P. Lovecraft
46. ONE LONELY NIGHT by Mickey Spillane
47. MEMORY AND DREAM by Charles de Lint
48. TO THE LIGHTHOUSE by Virginia Woolf
49. THE MOVIEGOER by Walker Percy
50. TRADER by Charles de Lint
51. THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY by Douglas Adams
52. THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER by Carson McCullers
53. THE HANDMAID'S TALE by Margaret Atwood
54. BLOOD MERIDIAN by Cormac McCarthy
55. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE by Anthony Burgess
56. ON THE BEACH by Nevil Shute
57. A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN by James Joyce
58. GREENMANTLE by Charles de Lint
59. ENDER'S GAME by Orson Scott Card
60. THE LITTLE COUNTRY by Charles de Lint
61. THE RECOGNITIONS by William Gaddis
62. STARSHIP TROOPERS by Robert Heinlein
63. THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway
64. THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP by John Irving
65. SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES by Ray Bradbury
66. THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE by Shirley Jackson
67. AS I LAY DYING by William Faulkner
68. TROPIC OF CANCER by Henry Miller
69. INVISIBLE MAN by Ralph Ellison
70. THE WOOD WIFE by Terri Windling
71. THE MAGUS by John Fowles
72. THE DOOR INTO SUMMER by Robert Heinlein
73. ZEN AND THE ART OF MOTORCYCLE MAINTENANCE by Robert Pirsig
74. I, CLAUDIUS by Robert Graves
75. THE CALL OF THE WILD by Jack London
76. AT SWIM-TWO-BIRDS by Flann O'Brien
77. FARENHEIT 451 by Ray Bradbury
78. ARROWSMITH by Sinclair Lewis
79. WATERSHIP DOWN by Richard Adams
80. NAKED LUNCH by William S. Burroughs
81. THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER by Tom Clancy
82. GUILTY PLEASURES by Laurell K. Hamilton
83. THE PUPPET MASTERS by Robert Heinlein
84. IT by Stephen King
85. V. by Thomas Pynchon
86. DOUBLE STAR by Robert Heinlein
87. CITIZEN OF THE GALAXY by Robert Heinlein
88. BRIDESHEAD REVISITED by Evelyn Waugh
89. LIGHT IN AUGUST by William Faulkner
90. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST by Ken Kesey
91. A FAREWELL TO ARMS by Ernest Hemingway
92. THE SHELTERING SKY by Paul Bowles
93. SOMETIMES A GREAT NOTION by Ken Kesey
94. MY ANTONIA by Willa Cather
95. MULENGRO by Charles de Lint
96. SUTTREE by Cormac McCarthy
97. MYTHAGO WOOD by Robert Holdstock
98. ILLUSIONS by Richard Bach
99. THE CUNNING MAN by Robertson Davies
100. THE SATANIC VERSES by Salman Rushdie
101. DARKNESS AT NOON by Arthur Koestler
102. SONS AND LOVERS by D.H. Lawrence
103. THE WAY OF ALL FLESH by Samuel Butler
104. AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY by Theodore Dreiser
105. NATIVE SON by Richard Wright
106. HENDERSON THE RAIN KING by Saul Bellow
107. APPOINTMENT IN SAMARRA by John O'Hara
108. U.S.A. (trilogy) by John Dos Passos
109. WINESBURG, OHIO by Sherwood Anderson
110. A PASSAGE TO INDIA by E.M. Forster
111. THE WINGS OF THE DOVE by Henry James
112. THE AMBASSADORS by Henry James
113. TENDER IS THE NIGHT by F. Scott Fitzgerald
114. THE STUDS LONIGAN TRILOGY by James T. Farrell
115. THE GOOD SOLDIER by Ford Madox Ford
116. THE GOLDEN BOWL by Henry James
117. SISTER CARRIE by Theodore Dreiser
118. A HANDFUL OF DUST by Evelyn Waugh
119. ALL THE KING'S MEN by Robert Penn Warren
120. THE BRIDGE OF SAN LUIS REY by Thornton Wilder
121. HOWARDS END by E.M. Forster
122. GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN by James Baldwin
123. THE HEART OF THE MATTER by Graham Greene
124. DELIVERANCE by James Dickey
125. A DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF TIME (series) by Anthony Powell
126. POINT COUNTER POINT by Aldous Huxley
127. THE SECRET AGENT by Joseph Conrad
128. NOSTROMO by Joseph Conrad
129. THE RAINBOW by D.H. Lawrence
130. WOMEN IN LOVE by D.H. Lawrence
131. THE NAKED AND THE DEAD by Norman Mailer
132. PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT by Philip Roth
133. PALE FIRE by Vladimir Nabokov
134. THE MALTESE FALCON by Dashiell Hammett
135. PARADE'S END by Ford Madox Ford
136. THE AGE OF INNOCENCE by Edith Wharton
137. ZULEIKA DOBSON by Max Beerbohm
138. DEATH COMES FOR THE ARCHBISHOP by Willa Cather
139. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY by James Jones
140. THE WAPSHOT CHRONICLES by John Cheever
141. MAIN STREET by Sinclair Lewis
142. THE HOUSE OF MIRTH by Edith Wharton
143. THE ALEXANDRIA QUARTET by Lawrence Durell
144. A HIGH WIND IN JAMAICA by Richard Hughes
145. A HOUSE FOR MR BISWAS by V.S. Naipaul
146. THE DAY OF THE LOCUST by Nathanael West
147. SCOOP by Evelyn Waugh
148. THE PRIME OF MISS JEAN BRODIE by Muriel Spark
149. FINNEGANS WAKE by James Joyce
150. KIM by Rudyard Kipling
151. A ROOM WITH A VIEW by E.M. Forster
152. THE ADVENTURES OF AUGIE MARCH by Saul Bellow
153. ANGLE OF REPOSE by Wallace Stegner
154. A BEND IN THE RIVER by V.S. Naipaul
155. THE DEATH OF THE HEART by Elizabeth Bowen
156. LORD JIM by Joseph Conrad
157. RAGTIME by E.L. Doctorow
158. THE OLD WIVES' TALE by Arnold Bennett
159. LOVING by Henry Green
160. MIDNIGHT'S CHILDREN by Salman Rushdie
161. TOBACCO ROAD by Erskine Caldwell
162. IRONWEED by William Kennedy
163. WIDE SARGASSO SEA by Jean Rhys
164. UNDER THE NET by Iris Murdoch
165. SOPHIE'S CHOICE by William Styron
166. THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE by James M. Cain
167. THE GINGER MAN by J.P. Donleavy
168. THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS by Booth Tarkington

Trail Mix

Yummy mix of cashews, peanuts, dried mango, dried pineapple, and lots of chocolate things!

Rude and inconsiderate

There are those of us who try to be respectful and considerate when working in an office setting and then there are those who have no clue...

I have an office. It has a window with blinds. It has a door with a lock.

When I encounter a co-worker's closed door I politely keep walking. I don't stop and knock and interrupt what they might be doing. If I need them I go back to my office and send them an email. They will respond when they can, otherwise I will find them later with their door open.

However when my door is closed I do not get the same respect in return. I put notes on the white board that is mounted on my door, indicating that I am in a meeting. Yet people still feel it is okay to knock on the door to get my attention. I don't feel right ignoring them, especially when my blinds are half open and they know that I see them, so I will typically answer.

This morning however, I received the last interruption I will allow.

I hear a little tapping on my door and when I ignore that and happen to glance out my window, there is a co-worker peeking through the slats, waving at me. So I open the door, expecting an urgent issue or at the very least, an important one.

He wanted change for a fifty cent piece.

He. wanted. two. fucking. quarters. in. exchange. for. a. fifty. cent. piece.

When I asked him to go check the candy fund jar he said it was empty. So I suggested he check with the receptionist, to which he told me she isn't at her desk. I'm sorry I have no change, goodbye.

I know that if I put a note on my door indicating that if my door is closed I am not to be disturbed, it will not go over well. However, I am tempted, very tempted.

50 Things...

1. I have lived in Washington state my whole life; within an approximate 25 mile radius actually (for those in the area, I have lived as far south as Ballard and as far north as North Everett)
2. My poor mother carried me a whole extra month...apparently I was happy in her womb. I was 9lbs and wrinkle-free (makes me sound like clothing).
3. I grew up in the same house and my parents still live there; I will probably inherit the house eventually.
4. This gangster guy moved to my middle school in 7th grade and we fell in love. He was my first real boyfriend. He was sooo not my type. We were inseparable for over a year. Then I broke his heart.
5. I used to write poems and short stories; my writing was dark and morbid. Fitting for a teenager.
6. I used to want to be a journalist. Or a rock star.
7. Growing up my parents were not religious but they allowed me to discover religion for myself. Occasionally I attended church and Sunday school with my best friend but always felt alone and out of place while there. My experience with religion has left me wondering: why have a religion? Now that I am an "adult" I consider myself agnostic.
8. I learned to read when I was 3; my parents read to me every night and encouraged me to read by taking me to the library frequently. I would always bring home STACKS of books that I could never read all of before their due date. The first book I read that didn't have pictures was Alice in Wonderland.
9. I recently admitted to myself that I am somewhat of an exhibitionist.
10. My mom put me in swimming lessons when I was 4 months old. I have loved the water ever since.
11. I learned to snow ski fairly young. I didn't want to but my parents forced it on me. A few years later I learned to snowboard; it was fun for about 6 years. Now I hate the snow.
12. I love water and the ocean; I think I was born part fish
13. Growing up we spent summers at my grandparent's cabin at Lake Cavanaugh; my parents would have to practically drag me out of the water after the sun had gone down when my lips were purple and I was shivering. My favorite memories are of that lake.
14. When I was 14 I lost my virginity. To Mike of all people. :-) I loved him and he was such an asshole boy.
15. Most of my friends smoked and I started around the age of 16 (or so I recall). I loved smoking, not because I felt cool but because I actually enjoyed it. I have quit smoking a total of 4 times since then and have started back up 3 times. Sometimes I miss it but I can hardly stand being around the smell anymore.
16. From the ages of 16 to 21 I always had a boyfriend who was over 21. That was super cool as my friends and I had beer all the time. I drank quite a bit until I turned 24 and the hangovers started showing up and kicking my ass! Now I hardly drink at all and I rarely get drunk.
17. I can't remember a lot from my earlier years. I blame my drinking for the poor quality of my long term memory.
18. The hardest drug I have done is acid and I hate smoking pot. Booze and cigarettes were my drugs of choice. Now I prefer caffeine and the adrenaline rush that driving fast gives me. I have never been a pill popper and it is hard for me to remember my daily birth control pill let alone taking other pills "just because".
19. Halloween is my favorite holiday; we strive to be the scariest house on the block.
20. When I was a sophomore in high school a close friend of mine was shot and killed accidentally. It affected a large part of my life and still does to a degree.
21. All through high school and for a few years afterwards I was between 103 pounds to 119 pounds. I remember my mom telling me that a few sit ups a day would get rid of my little pooch I had but I thought she was nuts. Now I wish I had listened.
22. I love the feeling that comes with completing a project, however big or small.
23. Off and on for 6 years through most of high school and beyond I dated a man who was controlling and manipulative. He brought out the worst in me and we would engage in fights where I was red faced, screaming, and throwing things and he would sit there calm as could be and ask what was wrong. He knew which buttons to push and I hated him for it. None of my friends liked him so I lost just about every one of them; needless to say, I hated him for that too. He wanted to get married and that was something else I hated him for. The list is never-ending of things I despised about that relationship. I am so happy to have moved on.
24. I habitually drive fast to loud music.
25. The only type of therapy I have ever attended was hypnotherapy; once for quitting smoking and once for anger management (both while in the above relationship).
26. I have never been a competitive person. Competing just isn't exciting for me as it is for others. And I honestly feel that people who compete for things like whose house is worth more or who has the more expensive wardrobe are really just reaching out for attention and acceptance. Competing should be saved for sports and races. Period.
27. Being married and having children has never been a priority for me. Now that I am in a loving relationship with a man I can see myself growing old with, I want to get married but am still in no hurry.
28. Honestly, I don't like babies, toddlers, or kids.
29. Natural Born Killers is my favorite movie
30. I tend to be critical and judgmental. It is a weakness of mine and I am always working on it.
31. My checkbook has to be balanced to the penny for my sanity. And I don't like to let the balance drop below a certain amount.
32. I'm not good at asking for my loaned belongings back. I'm a good borrower and am very diligent and thoughtful when it comes to returning things that I have borrowed and I guess I feel everyone should be so therefore I am uncomfortable asking when I can expect my things back.
33. I know I need to lose weight; I WANT to lose weight but I want it to happen overnight and with minimal effort from me. In a perfect world, maybe...
34. If I had to eat one food for a month it would be Pad Thai but only from a certain restaurant; I am very picky about Pad Thai.
35. I hold an Associates degree in Business Admin with a concentration in Information Technologies, a Bachelor's degree in Information Technologies - Computer Systems, and am currently working towards my Master's degree in Information Systems. After this degree I have my eye on a second Bachelor's degree in Technical Writing. I never thought I would want to be a "professional student".
36. I am terrified that I will not put my expensive education to use when its all said and done.
37. I'm afraid of growing old and looking back on my life and wishing things had been different. I'm also just afraid of growing old. I skipped my 28th birthday in hopes that 29 wouldn't arrive. I turned 29 on April 17th, 2008.
38. I am not a collector or a pack rat. I hate garbage and if it is broken or hasn't been used in more than 12 months, it goes in the trash. Mostly, I hate clutter.
39. Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of despair when I realize that I most likely will never have enough money or, more importantly, enough time in my life to see the entire world the way I want to see it.
40. I love to travel but hate the act of traveling. If only we could transport ourselves immediately...
41. I am a neat freak yet I hate cleaning. Organizing and picking up is enjoyable but cleaning is horrible.
42. I am shy when alone in social situations yet outgoing when with friends in social situations. I would prefer not to go anywhere alone.
43. I take pleasure in spoiling loved ones.
44. I prefer foggy weather.
45. When I find an article of clothing, makeup, a kitchen utensil, or other item that I adore, I buy them in multiples. I have the same "skort" in 5 different colors, 3 pairs of the same style Old Navy jeans, 6 of the same Eddie Bauer t-shirts, and about a dozen different colors of one style tank top. We won't even get into my MAC cosmetics collection... Hell, I even have 3 laptops...one for me, one for Mike, and a smaller one for traveling with. Seriously.
46. I have a bad habit of getting overly worked up about dumb shit.
47. My pirate ship tattoo was an idea long before the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie was released. I do not have an obsession with Captain Jack Sparrow.
48. I hate talking on the phone and would prefer to communicate via email, text messages, or in person. Sometimes I think I was on the phone too much as a teenager.
49. I love my car like I never thought I could love a car. It is fast, tight, raw, and sexy. My love for it borders on obsession.
50. I love my dogs like they are children; I can not imagine loving a child as much as I love my dogs.

Human Heads

Makes me grin...

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